TJ’s Heroes
Exactly 50 years ago to this very hour, a man named TJ returned home from his several-year “self discovery” quest. He had little to no remaining fingers and he could not speak English anymore. But this didn’t stop him. No way. He opened his own sandwich shop in Long Island, New York. He had discovered a secret sauce during his travels and was determined to use it. But, nobody went to his sandwich shop. They were too expensive. Seven dollars for one sandwich. Who the fuck wants that?
So TJ stood out in the middle of the street duckwalking like Adolf Hitler and making Rape Jokes out loud to passing cars until people pulled over to give him a piece of their mind. In return, they were given a piece of TJ’s delicious Louisiana Lightning sandwich. “What the fuck does that name even mean?” asked many different people. TJ answered, but it was in some other language that nobody could speak around here so whatever.
So TJ became popular. Though he still Duckwalked two and fro while doing the Hitler salute, which was kind of weird, his business flourished. Even Babe Ruth stopped by. “But Babe Ruth died in 1948!” Prove it. I have a knife I’m holding a knife. One day TJ yelled a rape joke so loud, it knocked Babe Ruth down onto his ass and he coudn’t bat for weeks. Poor guy!!!! Tj’s limited “Guard tower special” was one of the most glorious times in history. Tj imported an authentic guard tower from germany and stationed his grandfather at the top, where he sold sandwiches to anyone who could make it up without falling.
Sadly, that grandfather fell to his death shortly afterwards and the guard tower was returned to its original place.
